Dear Amy:

In our 20-year marriage my husband has gained more than 50 pounds. I have gained about 10 and am constantly exercising and working to keep my weight down. He has an unsightly gut that hangs over his pants. His clothes are often ill-fitting and sloppy looking, due to the difficulty of finding a good fit. I find this embarrassing.

I have begged, pleaded, argued, threatened, reasoned, tried Weight Watchers for both of us and expressed concern about his health. Nothing works. He makes a halfhearted attempt for a week or two and then quits. We have no sex life, as I am repulsed by his fat gut.

Otherwise, he is a loving, devoted, loyal guy with a heart of gold. I love him, but the truth is I would not have even gone on a first date with him the way he looks now. This feels like a classic bait and switch (women are often accused of this behavior).

I have all but given up as I watch him wolf down portions enough for three. I guess he doesn’t care if we never have a romantic life again. Should I just give up and live with him as a lifelong friend?

I am not interested in anyone else but, truly, his physical condition has completely turned me off. I am really furious with him because I feel cheated out of a full marriage. I can’t help thinking that if he really loved me he would try harder.

Given Up

If your husband loved himself a little more, he would try harder. Compulsive eating can provide a relief from the pressure of relationships, work, sex and the expectations and disappointment of the people around you.

Not only are you pressuring him, but your hostility is so evident that I find myself pining for a Haagen-Dazs just from reading your letter.

Instead of dragging your husband to Weight Watchers, you should examine your own issues and behavior.

Addictive eating is different from other addictions because you can’t swear off the stuff (food) forever. You must face your “drug of choice” every single day.

You and your husband don’t need diet tips. You need marriage counseling. You will go into counseling demanding that your husband needs to change to make you happy, prove he loves you or to save your marriage. But as spouses and loved ones of addicts learn, he will only commit to the hard work of change in order to save himself.

Dear Amy:

A fellow employee is getting married and has posted a wedding invitation on the wall next to the time clock but did not send separate invitations to each of us.

Many of us cannot attend because we will be working at the time of the wedding.

It was suggested that there were not individual invitations because the person getting married didn’t want to cause a rift by inviting some and not others.

Are we expected to give a gift when we cannot attend, even though we didn’t get an individual invitation? Should we give a group gift from our unit?

Wondering

If the invitation notes a way to RSVP, you should; certainly, if you plan to attend.

If you don’t attend the wedding, there is no expectation for you to give a gift, but I think a group gift from your unit is a great idea (regardless of who actually goes to the wedding). Maybe you could organize it.

Dear Amy:

“Worried Aunt” was concerned about her niece, who was being bullied at school because she was small. We were in a similar situation with my daughter, who was extremely small for her age.

We encouraged her to try karate. Karate is a tremendous confidence-builder and offers anyone, of any size, the ability to learn the techniques to defend themselves.

As she progressed, earning the same accolades as others twice her size, you could see the enormous boost to her confidence, and once kids in school found out she had earned her black belt, the bullying virtually stopped. She now plays varsity tennis and is a straight-A student.

Proud Parent

Martial arts are great confidence boosters. Thank you for the suggestion.

Write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune.com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

2011 by the Chicago Tribune

Distributed by Tribune Media Services

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